reposted from LJ...1/31/07 7:44 pm...Mergers

Plainly stated, mergers suck. And I can't even think of a phrase to really communicate the appropriate level of suckage.

I love when people call something a merger, which implies agreement on both sides. Especially when it's ACTUALLY an acquisition. Sure The Company's Stockholders and the Board of Directors would like to imply that it's a business venture entered into out of PARTNERSHIP and "a joint plan to make the market of xyz product more effective and ultimately more profitable," "paving the way to a better future,"...or whatever bullshit is thrown at the meeting held IMMEDIATELY after the Board's approval. Which by the way, will ultimately make the "acquired" company's executives and board members, VERY, VERY rich.

And then there are the decisions that must be made on whether or not certain key departments will be moved to the new company's existing corporate offices 5 freaking states away. Also, whether or not some positions will need to be reduced/restructured/reorganized to best fit what is best and most reasonable for business.

In the back of your head, you know all along that you could likely not have a job the next day or right then, even. But some little spark of hope in your head convinces you that it's perfectly okay to be a little bit optimistic about your job. I mean, sure, you've never had an optimistic bone in your body until your life-changing experience at The Company. But it's a significant enough impact on you emotionally, that you perhaps change, but for a moment, a lifetime of illogical and highly retarded psychology.

And then the dash of hope. That's perhaps a bit overdramatic...or maybe not. Different things are important to different people. The Company was much more than just a job...it wasn't about the money, certainly not the money. I drove 3 hours a day to go to and from work. That's alot of gas and alot of cigarettes, and at the going rate in BFE, Georgia, I didn't bring home very much at all. What I did bring home was so much more and so much more valuable. I was finally dealing with some things in my life and in my head and coming to terms with who I am--everthing that I am. During the first few years of my Bipolar I diagnosis, I hated that people no longer treated me like a person.

In my perception, I was non-human...society's trash...I may as well have had a flashing neon sign on my forehead.

I had expressed that feeling during a therapy session, and she then asked how I viewed myself as a person living with a mental illness. Without hesitation, I said that I was "weird, different, abnormal." Exact words, and then she said something that struck me so hard that I've spent all my time since then trying to do exactly that. She said, "Stephanie, how do you expect other people to accept you if you can't even accept yourself?"

Well damn, I didn't have an answer for that. I'd realize that I'd been projecting that very ideology onto everybody else. A guilty conscious, if you will, and not willing to admit that I'd labelled myself. Since my father's suicide, I had always said that the only thing I wanted from anyone (parents, friends, co-workers, etc.) was for them to accept me--with all of my strengths and all of my weaknesses and all of my faulty wiring. I'd said that I was no longer willing to allow people to mold me into anyone or anything else. That life was too short and that you had to be true to yourself no matter what people though...and damn the backlash. That life was definitely too short to compromise, especially when it comes to what allows you some fucking mental stability.

I've gotten totally off topic on this one. I could tell earlier today that I was starting to swing toward the high end of the mood spectrum. I'm going to finish this later. I need to try to calm all the thoughts in my head.

No worries. I just need to chill for tonight.