reposted from LJ...1/18/07 2:44 pm...Skinny reality or something

You know. I get a point where I think that maybe I am indeed thin or that I'm happy with myself or whatever, but then I go and see shit like that. And I'm thoroughly reminded of how thin (or pretty) I am not. And then I go through all the hassle and cost of buying a nice digital camera so that maybe, just maybe I can finally recognize what I have never been able to. Still, I see nothing better, and perhaps even discover more flaws. And to go even further, I will totally admit that I post my pictures on TF for really no other reason than having someone else validate me or my ED or my size or whatever--I don't even know how to put into words what I am trying to say here...

Yes, I feel somewhat of a familial bond with TF, even if only because it is the one place where I am unapologetically myself and honest. It doesn't matter that I'm not one of the "kool kids" or even a well-known member. It also doesn't matter whether or not I receive replies or get acknowledged--it is simply the very fact that I don't feel judged, and I know that every single person there is also going through the same or similar circumstances. We all know that there are questionable members, "trolls" if you will, but we either ignore them or flame them. Nonetheless. I have to admit though that it fucks with my head a bit to have 60 views and 2 replies. It's not THAT there aren't many replies, I've never been one to care about that.

However.

It's quite the double-edged sword, isn't it? You want the validation, you get it, and then you go getting offended or whiny or both. Then. If you don't get the validation, you fucking get offended or whiny or both too. And either way, the ED-head goes off into it's own twisted perspective of itself and reads an entire library of things between the lines that really only exist in your own fucking head anyway.

So I wrote all that just to say that I feel like shit, and it's all my own damn fault.

As my own judge and jury here...I never realized until now just how hard my facial features are. I look like a freaking drag queen...actually a drag queen might even look better. Ha!