back on my meds...

It's been a few days since my last entry. I've known for a few weeks now that my moods were headed toward the red-zone. I guess I just thought that I could control things on my own. In all honesty, I knew that I couldn't, because the two most significant factors in regulating my mood are food and sleep. I have a love/hate relationship with food, so I tried to make up the difference in sleep. But diet sode and diet pills don't exactly make that possible. I tried taking Tylenol PM or some other over-the-counter product to get some sleep, but I'd end up taking too much of it. Just like any other addict, I enjoyed the buzz, but I built up tolerance, and it eventually didn't work anymore.

Wednesday, my husband took me to the hospital. In the end, I was only dehydrated. However, my husband decided it would be good to tell the doctor about everything...including my eating issues, taking diet pills, etc. He said, "if you're not going to tell them, then I am." He then told me that regardless of what the doctor said, I wasn't going to be able to take those pills anymore. He also said that it didn't matter that they were legal or over the counter, that the end result is the same.

I'm just flipping out. I know he's right, but I don't know if I can do this. I'm petrified of gaining weight. I have no energy, and what I had allowed myself to eat prior was based on the condition that I take the diet pills.

No diet pills = no food.

Also, I have no desire to do anything. My limbs feel heavy, I can't concentrate or think, I don't even WANT to anything but sit and stare out the window, I cry over everything. At the hospital, Owen and I were arguing, and the doc took him outside while the psych came to talk to me. Honestly, I started to get scared, because I thought that Owen might try to have me committed (yes, I was that irrational.)

Truly, I don't know that I shouldn't be hospitalized. I feel hopeless and sad, and fearful that this will always be my life (up and down and down and up).

I suppose, for now, that I just need to give the Depakote and Lexapro the chance to work.