Harvest Christian Church Cemetery - Habersham County, Georgia

Harvest Christian Church Cemetery - Habersham County, Georgia

Why in the hell do I do this to myself? I always think that I can handle it, but I never can.

It's difficult to remember what Dad looked like when he was alive and healthy...before his relapse. But then I'm reminded that his relapse didn't occur until after I'd contacted him to take care of my sister when our mother threw her out. My sister was able to have a few good years with him before everything went to hell.

I didn't. All he could remember were the holidays that I'd called only to ask where the child support was or why he wasn't around...things I only did, because at 8, 9 and 10 years old, I could not stand up to my mother. Hell, I wasn't able to stand up to her until well after I'd gotten married. Mom knew how to manipulate situations, and my dad couldn't see me in any other light.

My dad's widow is remarried and has a child with her new husband. She was a mother figure once, but that time is long gone, and I cannot put her in that role anymore. I haven't seen or spoken to her in over 2 years. Partly...because her new husband cannot stand me...trust me, the feeling is fucking mutual. He knows alot of the shit that Gaynelle went through with my father, and I suppose that's part of the reason why also. Dad couldn't see past my mother's manipulative bullshit, and her husband can't see past my dad's issues. I'm fucked no matter what.

So. My daughter decided to call her the other day, and I was none to pleased. Look. The only reason I wasn't happy about it is because I'm not ready for it. I've always had the ability to use the 'out-of-sight' 'out-of-mind' approach to maintain sanity...especially with something this damn emotional.

So...she's coming to my house tomorrow...and will probably bring the child she had with her new husband. I'm completely freaked the fuck out. I have zero ability to handle this right now. If I can't even bring myself to think about her or talk about her or read the letters that sends...how the fuck am I supposed to deal with this? My life is anything but stable right now. I've been riding the manic depression train for awhile now. I'm just petrified.

Not just that, but she and my sister have gotten on my ass before about my weight and stuff. Um...I'm like 20 pounds less than I was the last time I saw them, and I didn't exactly welcome their concerns with an open mind.

With the stuff that I've been dealing with recently, any comment or look or anything about my physical health is not going to be taken well.

I'm so freaked out.

Maybe I'll update tomorrow evening, though I'll most likely need to decompress for a few days.