Hopeless...

I am completely fucking miserable, and I just feel...broken. It's hard to explain really. I know that I feel, but I'm not sure if I know how I feel.

I've been clean since 10/17/05...moved from here to Texas, because I'd definitely made more than a few mistakes, leaving certain people without any other option but to require certain things of me. Yes, I'm intentionally being vague...I'm ashamed of all the things I did in the few years that followed, and whether I was grieving, or dealing with ptsd, or in a manic or depressive episode...I cannot and will never forgive myself for any of it.

However. I've always known exactly what steps I would have to take to clean up and get my head back in the game of living. There's nothing like losing a father and grandmother to suicide--only to lose your mother also when she says, "that she'd searched the obituaries for years hoping to find that man's name there." All of it just a violent shock--mind, body, and spirit.

Anyway. The harder I try to do these things that I know will make me a better and stronger and happy person one day...the further from "that place" I become. I put myself here, I know that, and that is why Owen feels that my actions and thoughts should have to change in the way that he believes they should. Here's the thing.

If I tell him that he needs to put on the best acting job of his life and make me believe that he actually does give a shit about my input, then that's what he needs to do. Generally speaking, I've never held myself in very high regard. It's why I've always had a self-destructive streak on par with my mother and father...A piece of shit now, a piece of shit later, so have all the fun you can now.

If I am to believe in me and my worth as a human being...I need to be treated that way. It may not make sense to anyone else, but to me, it is a baby step in the right direction. I have to do it in this way. I know my limitations. I also know that I have to do this at my pace. I know when I'm reaching my emotional limits. I also know that I lack the ability to control my impulses at times, and I am absolutely fucking petrified that I would do the same that he did, if I ever reached that point of no return.

I still didn't explain this the way I wanted to.