Moody, as usual...

I have allowed this fear to control me for so long. On one hand, it's frustrating as hell...and I know that I allow it to hold me back.

But it's not a fear that I can just easily relinquish. There are days that I absolutely cannot find anything in myself worthy of "getting well" or whatever the hell. And frankly, when I see my husband and children, I just feel even more trapped, because I don't want to cause them the same hurt that my dad and grandmother did me when they died.

I know...I'm a broken record. Sorry. But having a father commit suicide a few years after reconnecting with him so that an abandoned sibling can have a chance at a normal teen life (after a 11-13 year non-existent relationship) has a tendency to make someone sound like a whiny ass broken record--full of anger, guilt, sadness, and did I mention the anger and rage?

I'm in hell now because of their selfishness. And I have absolutely zero clue how to get out of this...whatever this shit is.

Forget it. I'm going to bed. I'm too pissed off at myself and the world to make this make any sense at all.

Oh, and as a potentially disturbing side note: I'm finally starting to feel thin. I cannot take my eyes off those shoulders. Probably the first time I've ever looked at a picture of myself, and dropped my own jaw. I'm digging it.