I am so stoked right now. My best friend and I have had this thing for years where we don't speak for several months at a time. But the thing is that when we finally do...it's like there has been no time lapse. Zero.
I can't express how glad I am to have talked to her finally. I really, really missed her. I think my only worry at this point is when she sees me. I have lost quite a bit of weight. I may even weigh less than when I was using, which by the way was a time in my life that I came as close as I ever want to come EVER AGAIN to destroying a friendship that means so much to me.
I know that I am an exhausting friend and can come across as quite dramatic--even though that is far from my intent. I also know that it's sometimes better for that friend to step away from the situation, particularly a situation where they have no idea what to do to help. I just don't want a repeat performance of that scenerio...though I do still unhealthy ways of handling things, it's nowhere near the dysfunction that it was when I was using.
I hope that she'll read this and understand that, because I really do need someone who understands me and will tell me like it is without judgement. Frankly, no one in this house is able to refrain from judgement--especially when I've done the things I've done in the past. Though I understand, I simply can't handle it. To this day, I judge myself and distrust myself to such an extent that ALL of the additional shit really just makes me feel afraid.
Anyway. Enough rambling...if I keep going, I'll have enough "things I feel like I have to say right now" that I could write a novel. And well...that would be boring.
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