My husband acts as though he's the only one who has any valid reason to have a bad day.
Well. Fuck that.
Here's to hoping I didn't leave any backsplash...the buttery goodness of grilled cheese sandwiches and marshmallow halloween pumpkin candies make that a real possibility when you're not exactly attentive enough to clean up your puke properly...and here's to hoping that he doesn't fall and bust his ass when he steps in it.
He expects that I can be like everyone else and handle things in a healthy and appropriate way. I've handled things wrong all of my life...promiscuity...drugs...eating disorder. I'm married, so the promiscuity is long gone. I've been off dope for almost 2 years, but the urge to use is still there and will continue to be until I've learned to deal with the things that drove me to them in the first place. I do not want to go to that place again.
But as long as he continues to tell me that, "There is no time for that." when I'm explaining to him that certain automatic thoughts and behaviors can only be changed in certain ways.
For example. Don't tell me that I 'can't' or that I 'am not' going to do something. That is so not going to fly. Point blank. If you want me to come around to your way of thinking--without any argument or objections from me--do it in such a way that I think that it's my idea. Otherwise, I'm going to yank back control in whatever means readily available to me. And of course, right now, he's telling me that there's isn't time to fix me...that I've just got to do it. Okay fine. Then understand this...bingeing and purging and restricting is the way that I deal with that. Because frankly, to point out the double-standard here. I don't have time to not fix me.
I can't and won't ever allow another person to make me feel as insecure about who I am as my father did...
You'd be so different if I'd raised you."
Do you have any idea the rage that I feel every single fucking time that I have to be fake. Every attempt to do that sends my fathers words running like a marquis in my head. And I get a little more angry and a little more angry.
Life is too short to be something you're not. And I'm fucking tired of being angry all the time. Don't ask me what you can do to help me, if you're not prepared to follow through with action.
Hey girl - I am really sorry you are having a bad day. You would think by now that Owen would have an idea of how to approach you :)
ReplyDeleteAs far as Dad goes - you have to realize the point in his life that that comment was made.
First of all a good marriage is two people that complement each other and play off each others strengths. In their case, it was the opposite. They brought out the worst in each other. I know that you already know all of this but I say that as a prelude to this.
I was suddenly thrust into Dad's life looking, talking, and acting as a constant reminder of Caroline. His drug and alcohol use had always been in the background until I came back into his life. He just did not know how to deal with it and turned more to the drugs and alcohol until it truly became an addiction that he couldn't break. You have to realize that the words he said to you were during that time. It was not coming from who he really was but from the person that he became because of the alcohol and the drugs.
I hope that you will really think about this and release yourself of the pain that those words cause you.
I love you - we can not do anything about the things that have happened to us in the past, but we can do something about the here and the now.
Sorry to be so long but I could not ignore this (I don't think either of us can keep our mouths shut when we have an opinion:))
I love you and will talk to you later