Personal entry...

So I'm calmed down now from my freak out the other day. I really should avoid blogging when I'm like that.

I just get really tired of things. I'm tired of talking when nobody listens anyway. There is a difference between hearing the words and listening. I'm tired of trying to take chances to step outside of my comfort zone, only to be quickly shown why I never wanted to leave it in the first place.

It's constantly 2 steps forward, 3 steps back, and I'm losing the time, energy, and desire to give a flying fuck anymore. There's so many things that would be loads easier if I had some sort of guidance or instruction manual. There are too many things that I literally cannot express words in an effort to understand or move forward. And my dad is one of them. Unfortunately, my mother is also one of them.

The only reason my mother even plays a part of this is this:

(1) I put half the blame for my dad's death on her. If she hadn't been so goddamed evil and sociopathic and felt the need to punish him at EVERY opportunity. If she hadn't kept my sister and I from him for all of those years just to punish him. She punished him alright, but she also fucking punished children that didn't deserve to be punished. Moving on now.
(2) Her reaction to my father's death made her dead to me. I don't care how old you are or how mature you are or how much you think you know about life...children need (and want) their parents. Parents are parents until the day that they die...not just until that child leaves home. I always said that I never cared if my parents were together or even if they got along. I just needed them. I just need them now. And that dream and that hope that I would ever have that is fucking gone, and that's probably the thing I grieve the most.

I don't even want to discuss my mother anymore, except to say that I had spoken to her a few more times even after my dad died. You want to know what is both hilarious and disturbing about that? I just wanted dope. No other reason. Didn't give a shit about her...just wanted to get high. Wouldn't you know that in my entire life, drugs were the only thing that I had ever been able to count on my mother for? I'd love to give a few stories, but this topic altogether is starting to irritate the fuck out of me, and I'm trying to stay out of the toilet today.

Sophia...I read what you said. I'll address it. I just need a bit to...Don't worry, I'll address it. xxoo